Adam - Earning His Wings

May 24, 2001
As I was moving into a new apartment, I left work that day feeling scared. The news about Adam was not good and I prayed that things would turn out okay. Just a half hour later Steven would call with the news about Adam, but since I was busy loading up the car and moving in some more things, I didn't get the message for over an hour. I could hardly imagine what Daisy and Tony were feeling at that moment ... and how scared and lonely they must be so far away from all of their loved ones.

May 26, 2001
On the night Adam died, I was at Steven's house but it was almost impossible to talk privately with him at first. Although I had hugged everyone else coming in, Steven was seated and holding a confused Katie. She must have known something was wrong, but with a two-year old's level of understanding she couldn't know why. Each time Steven tried to put her down, or someone else tied to hold her ... she cried for Steven. Finally, Katie was distracted long enough for us to walk outside. During what was a difficult conversation, not knowing what to expect, Steven asked if I had heard that "powerful" new song by Faith Hill. First of all, as a person who writes a daily country music news service for radio stations across the U-S, "powerful" is how I would describe a song ... not a 15 year old. Thinking he was simply diverting attention from the subject, I followed by chatting briefly about knowing the song was released and how the legendary writer Diane Warren had written the song. I thought no more about until this particular morning when the video aired on one of the cable channels. Tears flowed instantly when I realized what what Steven had said two nights ago. The words of that song (to him) were about his precious little brother. I immediately rushed to Wal*Mart to pick up a copy which Steven has at home. If you missed it when you entered this site, you can hear a clip of the song here.

May 29, 2001
Although I made an offer to watch the younger children during the funeral, so everyone including Steven could attend, Tony told me I was welcome to attend since I was "considered family" ... one of the most kind and precious words Tony has ever said to me. The offer was accepted to watch the children, but when I arrived at the house Steven had been to the funeral home that morning and decided that would be his goodbye to Adam. I went instead. It was a small, quiet and simple service ... just as Tony and Daisy wanted. As I drove toward the house that day, it was dark and dreary but there was a small hole in the dark clouds where a ray of sunshine came down. Both on that drive and on the way to the cemetary, the hole widened. At the very center of that blue circle filled with sunlight was the cemetary. I was amazed ... as if God was letting everyone know he was looking down where the family had gathered. What most hardly noticed ... that I saw as the most precious, yet painful memory of that day ... involved something in one of the plants. Daisy had taken a small, plastic figure from one of the plants in front of her. It was a small boy, in blue, kneeling. She held it close during the service. Then, while everyone waited a respectful distance, Daisy walked to the masoleum wall, held the figure to her heart and laid her head against the wall just inches from Adam ... separated so painfully by cold, hard stone.

I want to relate something Daisy told me and I would be remiss if I failed to mention their actions which served to maybe not lessen the pain, but provide a sense of comfort that was critical to both parents. Dr. Elkins, who has dealt with both success and failure in surgery, could have reacted like many other doctors. Often, they hold back any personal involvement or show of emotion. They have to in order to survive in that field. Yet, this leading medical surgeon spent time with Tony and Daisy, talking to them and even shed his own tears. Daisy was given his personal phone number and invited to call him any time she needed to talk. The hospital chaplain did much the same and Daisy has called her several times. It was the funeral director who told Tony and Daisy how surprised he was when Adam's body arrived at the funeral home. They are used to receiving nothing more than a body inside whatever container is used to fly a body from one city to another. Instead, it was evident that Adam had been carefully, respectfully and lovingly laid inside ... dressed and with a stuffed animal ... Barney, his favorite character. How comforting to both parents to learn of the kind and thoughtful way their child was treated by the hospital staff.

I was to learn after the funeral how kind the funeral director was to both of them, apparently touched by the loss of the little boy he never met. He also cried with the family ... something you rarely see happen.

June 2, 2001
Daisy finally wrote to close friends and family. Included was this portion which expressed the anguish she felt at that time:

I wish I were an elequoent writer so that my words could tell you what a beautiful and precious life this world no longer has. My God I miss my baby boy so deeply it hurts to breathe. Why??? I keep asking myself, Why!!????? How could God be so cruel as to hurt and desvastate in such a way. Please, I beg of you, I'm not in a place for theories or scripture. I'm just finally in a place where I need to share and let go some of these horrific memories that only Tony and I have of Adam's passing.

Daisy then continues the letter by detailing what must have been excruiatingly painful to write as she recounted those last two days:

Adam's heart repair was perfect. We were filled with such hope. He was on bypass for nine hours and we believe that played a very big part in what eventually took place. There was so much bleeding after the surgery from old scar tissue. They would be pumping in new blood but Adam would bleed it out just as quickly. I believe my baby went through 82 bags of donated blood before it was all over. We were terrified. I had just left my Adam's side around 3 am [May 23rd], when fifteen minutes later the hospital chaplain came to us in the waiting room and told us "to hurry!" I believe a part of me died right there. We arrived in the ICU to see doctors pumping up and down on my baby's chest, to restart his little heart, that Adam was literally coming off the bed from the force of it all. And they were doing this while Adam's chest remained "open" from surgery. Tony feel to his knees, I stood frozen in disbelief. You make a lot of promises to God at times like this and it seemed as if Our Heavenly Father heard us because they were able to restart his heart after 14 minutes. Much too long, we were to find out later. The arrest came from all the bleeding Adam was having in and around his heart.
The pericardium sac around the heart was too full of blood that it literally kept the heart from beating. Adam was whisked away back to surgery where the surgeon also discovered a massive blood clot near his repair and suctioned that away too. It looked like we were in the clear. I remember shaking for hours afterwards. All seemed to be well but for only a few short hours. Around 5 am the next morning [May 24th] Dr. Elkins (surgeon) expressed concern that one of Adam's eye's was fixed and dilated. He was worried that Adam may have suffered some neurological damage from the arrest. The rollercoaster of emotions started yet again. Each hour saw Adam going further and further away from us. All his bodily functions were failing him from the brain swelling and damage caused by being without blood for so long. I learned that chest compressions to the heart only deliver 25% of what the body needs. Taking my lifeless baby to the CAT scan was one of the hardest things to do. People gawking at us and my little boy as we raced down the long corridors. I remember feeling so much hate for them and their healthy children. God forgive me! The scan confirmed what we feared the most ... total devastation. I felt like a robot, my own skin feeling so alien to me. This couldn't be happening, this couldn't be real. My Adam, my Adam.
I am so grateful for one thing. We had the precious gift of spending time with our son before they took him off life support. I was able to touch him everywhere trying to burn the imagines of his little features into my brain to last a lifetime. I crawled into the crib with him and was able to lay next to him, sing to him, tell him HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM. What precious, precious moments. When it was over, Dr. Elkins closed Adam's chest and the nurses removed all tubes, probes, leads so that we could hold our boy. It felt like we waited a lifetime till they were ready for us to see him. We walked into a private room where they had my angel bathed, dressed and looking like he was asleep. I screamed for my baby. Tony ran across the room to scoop him up into his arms and we held each other like that and cried for a very long time. I had Adam's little blanket and a rocker was put in the room with us. Tony placed him in my arms and I rocked my baby for the last time. My poor baby was so cold and purple. Those images will never leave me. They haunt me day and night.
Getting on the plane to return to Georgia was so very hard. We had Adam's carry-on bag filled with all his little clothes and all his favorite toys. How many times can a heart break? When Adam finally arrived back in Georgia, I felt such a sense of relief. The mother in me kept thinking I abandoned him so far away from home. We opted for no viewing except for myself and Tony and the grandmothers. I gently placed all his favorite toys inside his little casket with him. His Barney doll, a rocket, a baby doll he loved to keep from his little sister to love on and a pacifier. He also picked out a flag at Wal*Mart while we were in Oklahoma that he loved to wave. That too was put in. I dressed him jammies and soft socks. My baby didn't look much like my baby but how could he. The best part of him is no longer with us but with God. His funeral was small but with many wanting to attend. We begged them not to. We didn't have the strength for their grief as well as ours. Selfish I know but it had to be that way.
As far as how I'm coping, I'm very, very close to the edge. I can't stop asking "WHY!?" Why did God take my little boy? I literally feel as if I have this massive, oozing hole in the center of my chest....my God it hurts so badly. I miss my Adam SO MUCH. It's a struggle to breathe. Reminders of him are everywhere. His clothes, his toys, his little shoes, his favorite foods, his little bicycle, fingerprints on the wall. I die inside every time I put a Barney tape in for Katie but I can't take that away from her. Do you know since Adam's death, Katie will not take a bath or shower. Adam and Katie always took their baths together. I guess that is how she is grieving. Breaks my heart (again). The boys are doing okay and handling it in different ways.
Tony is a wreck. Adam was his heart. Mine too. I feel like I'm moving through the days inside a video game. Everything is two dimensional and has no real texture or meaning. You probably don't understand what I'm talking about and I hope you never do. I'm getting by only with the help of Valium at nights and Ativan during the day. I visit Adam's gravesite daily (he's in a mausoleum) ... I couldn't bring myself to bury him. I want/need him close. I read his favorite Barney books to him and sing him the lullaby he loved so much .... the same one I sung to him just hours before he died. I swear I would lay down my life in a SECOND if only for a chance to hold him, smell him, touch him, hear his little voice saying, "mama" with hands outstrecthed to be picked up. Just one more time.
The hospital put together a packet for Tony and I when Adam passed away. It has a lock of Adam's beautiful hair in it, along with his hand and foot prints. I can't believe that all I have left of my precious little boy, now fit into one tiny little bag. The pain is unbearable. Hug your children NOW! Cherish every moment. Life changes in a second.

July 3, 2001
Almost a month later, Daisy wrote to me after I had sent some words of hope and comfort. It was prompted the night before when I brought Steven home from a pre-Fouth Of July Fireworks show. He picked out several of the flashlights, with the colorful fiber optic strands, that were being sold to bring home for Ryan, Jonathan and Katie. As Daisy walked through the living room, she looked at Katie playing with her new toy, smiled, and said, "Adam would have loved that." I was floored and it was all I could do to get out the door without breaking down. A short distance from the house I pulled to the side of the road and wept. The one thing it said more than anything was Daisy was going to be "okay". For the past month I was concerned about her state of mind. While she never said the word aloud, some comments were scary ... but I always felt Daisy was too responsible and too caring of a mother to do anything that would rob her other children of their mother. Daisy's e-mail response, however, showed the continued anguish plus what would become the first event of dealing with birthdays and holidays that often brings the hurt back with more force than those daily thoughts that haunt a parent's mind.

My strength varies with the hour. I'm so glad you had the courage to write and express to me how touched you were by my comment of Adam. At the time, I couldn't believe I said those words myself without becoming the pitiful sobbing mess I am of late. Everyone seems to be "going on" without my "sweet face" [Adam] and I think that hurts the most. Jonathan's birthday is coming up on the 5th. I dread it so ... Adam loved birthday parties and especially cake. Singing Happy Birthday to Jonathan, knowing our precious Adam is no longer here to share it with us ....*sigh*... (tears pouring again). It's so HARD. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through that day, but I will. Jonathan deserves his special day.

I want to close this portion of the site with some personal comments regarding death. Daisy will continue to seek answers as she deals with her loss, as does Tony. It is often frustrating to find just the right words to say, yet be careful not to say anything that will hurt. I am grateful Daisy has been kind enough to not only listen to what I have said to her, but even ask for my thoughts. Probably the hardest subject was whether or not Adam was in Heaven missing his family. You know, none of us knows what Heaven is like and won't until we die. If it is a place where there is no sorrow ... then how can you miss the family left behind? What I like to think about is that Heaven exists outside the realm of time. As such, our life on Earth seems so long here but is the only the space of a blink of an eye within eternity ... maybe not even that long. As such, I believe that Adam entered Heaven at the same moment as Daisy, Tony, his family and relatives ... everyone. If there is no time ... then there is no waiting! Will Adam recognize his mother in Heaven and what form will he take ... a man or a child? It is only conjecture, but I believe the Heavenly bodies will not discern age ... how could it where there is no time? I do firmly believe that everyone will recognize those they knew on Earth but what the relationship will be, no one can say. If everyone did truly understand, there might just be too many trying to "abort their mission" here on Earth. Finally, did God allow this to happen, did He make it happen ... or did He just not intervene? If we understood God's mind we would not be humans. I can only believe God could have let Adam remain here ... but there must have been some reason it occurred. The answer will probably not be found in Tony or Daisy's lifetime.

One thing I do know is that Adam's life on Earth was not in vain. He taught his family so much love, patience, understanding, selflessness and how to smile when things were at their darkest. Adam's life was often frought with pain, struggles to breathe and continually having to recover from painful surgeries. Through it all Adam continued to smile, play and bring joy to his entire family ... and to others fortunate enough to have met him. Each day people are faced with tribulations they find devastating ... floods, fires, hunger, loss of jobs, financial ruin, loss of material goods. My life has been forever changed as I think of little Adam and realize how insignificant thos things become when you relaize how short and precious life can be. He is truly "my hero" ... a "soldier" who fought a brave battle against medical problems that should have prevented Adam from ever being born. He didn't lose ... but won, because he is in a far better place where he will be joined by all those who love him so much. Adam won because he taught a family what is the real meaning of life!

Around the world we see a daily struggle for power, fortune and fame from individuals to nations. If only they had known Adam ... and understood his outlook on life ... we would have world peace!

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